i’m disgusted with myself.
for the last hour i went through many old posts, just reading through them. and i grossed myself out big time.
what am i doing? i just read through countless posts about him— how angry i was, how bad i felt, how frustrated. and yet, here i am. everything’s hunky dory now… to an extent.
so here i am, faced with a decision, again. but honestly, think about my situation. how much shit i’ve been through with this. for a long time. which brings me to this decision: fuck da police, basically. i’m doing whatever.
everything.
god fucking dammit. katrina, stop asking me about the damn lab. i don’t know. this time i don’t have all the answers everyone. i’m fucking guessing. i hate being upset, and not even having a good reason as to why. i was going to straighten my hair. screw that. i don’t even care. i might just put a brown paper bag over my head tomorrow. how stylish.
oh, and fucking look. 11:11.
sorry bout the f-bombs. i can’t even help it.
disappeared.
i need it to happen. it’d be good for me, i know it would. but i don’t want it to happen. i don’t like thinking it is happening. why don’t things ever work out for me? throw up, everywhere.
hungry, hungry, hypocrite.
major headache.
i guess you really were mad about that. huh.
and shitfuck. whateven.
and i hate this damn term paper. it’s already bringing down my english grade. sigh.
everyone knows
that i’m torturing myself. but everyone also knows how terrible i am at letting go. id rather take someone else’s hurt and endure it, rather than watching them hurt. i know how stupid i’m being. and i’m really trying. it’s hard though. i feel sympathetic to people who don’t deserve my sympathy. i don’t want to care. but i just can’t not care.
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